Former Governor

By now, I'm sure that you've read that my person has been deposed impeached by the Illinois Senate. I'm not going to link to all the stories about the so-called "trial." I am the most famous hair since Albert Einstein's hair, and I refuse to dignify the judgment of such poorly coiffed politicians with my commentary.

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Instead, I want my many fans to know that this will have no effect on my public career. I am far more than just a thing on top of the Governor's head. I am an enormous, mesmerizing presence. Whether I am styled in the master bath of the Governor's mansion, or hastily re-jiggered in the locker room at the South Side YMCA, I will continue to impress and delight citizens of all ages and levels of intelligence.

Besides, my person is only barred from holding public office in Illinois. The last I checked, there are 49 other states just begging for hair of my stature to lend an air of thoughtfulness, seriousness, and dead sexiness to their capitols.

In the meantime, I cam accepting donations of styling products. Just mail them to the state capitol. I'm sure the Post Office will be forwarding all my mail.

More About "The View"

It turns out that the harpies of The Viewmay have been more inspired by me than they let on. And they're joined by lots of Hollywood celebrities. I'm finally getting the recognition I deserve! Although I do take exception to one thing. None of those froo-froo celebs does my thing better than me. I'm the original, the king, the emperor. I'm HAIR-MONGOUS!

As If I Had A Choice!

MSNBC is clucking about how I refused to be butchered by the ham-fisted dullards who work behind the scenes at The View when I made an appearance on Monday morning. Well, of course I did! Have you seen what laughably passes for hair on the women around that table? I was afraid for my life. No way would I have done the show if I'd been subjected to that kind of treatment.

And if I ever see Joy Behar in a dark alley, that bitch is going to be sorry.

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