Former Governor

By now, I'm sure that you've read that my person has been deposed impeached by the Illinois Senate. I'm not going to link to all the stories about the so-called "trial." I am the most famous hair since Albert Einstein's hair, and I refuse to dignify the judgment of such poorly coiffed politicians with my commentary.

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Instead, I want my many fans to know that this will have no effect on my public career. I am far more than just a thing on top of the Governor's head. I am an enormous, mesmerizing presence. Whether I am styled in the master bath of the Governor's mansion, or hastily re-jiggered in the locker room at the South Side YMCA, I will continue to impress and delight citizens of all ages and levels of intelligence.

Besides, my person is only barred from holding public office in Illinois. The last I checked, there are 49 other states just begging for hair of my stature to lend an air of thoughtfulness, seriousness, and dead sexiness to their capitols.

In the meantime, I cam accepting donations of styling products. Just mail them to the state capitol. I'm sure the Post Office will be forwarding all my mail.