The new Governor of Illinois, who barely has enough hair to cover a dachshund's ass, wants to "fumigate" the state's government. If they're spraying any chemicals in the statehouse, he better hope they don't contribute to hair loss, because he doesn't have much left between his scalp and the wide open sky.
It turns out that, before the smell of my product had even faded from the office, the replacement governor's cronies were busily removing all traces of my person from the state capitol. Don't worry, though. We managed to collect all of our styling tools, implements and products before we left. They won't have my immaculately coiffed self to kick around anymore.
Tuesday, February 3, 2009
Saturday, January 31, 2009
Another Webcomic Appearance
Another so-called "comic" strip has taken the liberty of featuring me. This time, it's The New Adventures of Queen Victoria, which presumes that Her (long-dead) Royal Highness possesses even a fraction of the dignity required to pull off a hairstyle as imposing as me.
Sometimes I think these "artists" are just looking for free links. I suppose I shouldn't indulge them.
Sometimes I think these "artists" are just looking for free links. I suppose I shouldn't indulge them.
Friday, January 30, 2009
Former Governor
By now, I'm sure that you've read that my person has been deposed impeached by the Illinois Senate. I'm not going to link to all the stories about the so-called "trial." I am the most famous hair since Albert Einstein's hair, and I refuse to dignify the judgment of such poorly coiffed politicians with my commentary.
Instead, I want my many fans to know that this will have no effect on my public career. I am far more than just a thing on top of the Governor's head. I am an enormous, mesmerizing presence. Whether I am styled in the master bath of the Governor's mansion, or hastily re-jiggered in the locker room at the South Side YMCA, I will continue to impress and delight citizens of all ages and levels of intelligence.
Besides, my person is only barred from holding public office in Illinois. The last I checked, there are 49 other states just begging for hair of my stature to lend an air of thoughtfulness, seriousness, and dead sexiness to their capitols.
In the meantime, I cam accepting donations of styling products. Just mail them to the state capitol. I'm sure the Post Office will be forwarding all my mail.
Instead, I want my many fans to know that this will have no effect on my public career. I am far more than just a thing on top of the Governor's head. I am an enormous, mesmerizing presence. Whether I am styled in the master bath of the Governor's mansion, or hastily re-jiggered in the locker room at the South Side YMCA, I will continue to impress and delight citizens of all ages and levels of intelligence.
Besides, my person is only barred from holding public office in Illinois. The last I checked, there are 49 other states just begging for hair of my stature to lend an air of thoughtfulness, seriousness, and dead sexiness to their capitols.
In the meantime, I cam accepting donations of styling products. Just mail them to the state capitol. I'm sure the Post Office will be forwarding all my mail.
Thursday, January 29, 2009
More About "The View"
It turns out that the harpies of The Viewmay have been more inspired by me than they let on. And they're joined by lots of Hollywood celebrities. I'm finally getting the recognition I deserve! Although I do take exception to one thing. None of those froo-froo celebs does my thing better than me. I'm the original, the king, the emperor. I'm HAIR-MONGOUS!
Livejournal Feed
Livejournal is showing its hairpreciation by syndicating my content. You can add the feed to your friends list at http://syndicated.livejournal.com/bloghairovich/profile.
Wednesday, January 28, 2009
His Hair Was Almost As Awesome As Me
There's a new book out that aims to burst the bubbles of the neo-cons who've let their esteem for Ronald Reagan turn into a worship that's practically cult-like. I've only skimmed the first chapter, but so far I don't see any mention of how amazing his hair was, especially for a man in his 70s. So rich and luxurious, with a wonderful wave and just the right touch of gray and gravitas. It was true statesman hair, almost as awe-inspiring as myself.
It seems such a shame that the author is focusing on rampant historical revisionism, and ignoring that beautiful head of hair. People so seldom focus on the important things.
It seems such a shame that the author is focusing on rampant historical revisionism, and ignoring that beautiful head of hair. People so seldom focus on the important things.
Geraldo and The Daily Show
The Daily Show has started a new series about me that they're calling "Scumdog Million-Hairs." I'm not sure what "scumdog" refers to, but I can tell you that their count is off by about two million rich, shiny, chocolate brown follicles. Unless they're talking about the Governor's back; there might be a mere million hairs on that pale, barren wasteland.
Anyway, last night's segment barely mentioned me at all! It shows me and those awful women on The View, and then it goes on and on about Geraldo and his weaksauce mustache. (I'm told that it tickled an awful lot while he was kissing the Governor's butt all day on Fox News.) You'd think a guy as smart as Jon Stewart would know who the REAL star is. Maybe he's too sad about his own rapidly graying hair to acknowledge my greatness.
Anyway, last night's segment barely mentioned me at all! It shows me and those awful women on The View, and then it goes on and on about Geraldo and his weaksauce mustache. (I'm told that it tickled an awful lot while he was kissing the Governor's butt all day on Fox News.) You'd think a guy as smart as Jon Stewart would know who the REAL star is. Maybe he's too sad about his own rapidly graying hair to acknowledge my greatness.
As If I Had A Choice!
MSNBC is clucking about how I refused to be butchered by the ham-fisted dullards who work behind the scenes at The View when I made an appearance on Monday morning. Well, of course I did! Have you seen what laughably passes for hair on the women around that table? I was afraid for my life. No way would I have done the show if I'd been subjected to that kind of treatment.
And if I ever see Joy Behar in a dark alley, that bitch is going to be sorry.
Tuesday, January 27, 2009
Featured in a Comic Strip
I'm featured in Tuesday's edition of the (normally very funny) webcomic Chainsawsuit. Despite being depicted, I am not mentioned, and nobody from the strip has offered me a chance to respond. So typical.
click thumbanil for full strip
Saturday, January 24, 2009
Quack Psychology
Chicago Sun-Times reporter Stephanie Esposito apparently missed her true calling. She is so fond of quacks, she should have been a duck! Ms. Esposito spoke to several headshrinkers, who seem to think that my grandeur is a symptom of a mental disorder. I wonder if anyone mentioned to them that diagnosing of on a patient you've never spoken to is a symptom of being a giant prick!
Thursday, January 22, 2009
An "Interesting Topic"
That's how I'm described by StyleBell Blog, which describes itself as "your premier hair resource." If you're going to be the premier anything, you need to get yourself a few more adjectives, honey.
Monday, January 19, 2009
If You're Going To Photoshop...
...at least make it look better than something a sixth-grader could do. All Hat No Cattle is apparently staffed by elementary school artists.
Saturday, January 17, 2009
Messing With Perfection
Oh No Chicago's brand of "satire" seems to include useless blathering about replacing the most amazing hair that ever graced a human head. Thankfully, the governor is smarter than the author of this so-called "humor"
Wednesday, January 14, 2009
Without Comment
The website Purple Slinky has a list of things that it seems to think I look like. Unfortunately, they forgot "the perfect coif." Luckily, the list of things the author looks like is short: an asshole!
Sunday, January 11, 2009
Thursday, January 8, 2009
The Follicle of Truth
In the midst of a lot of silly speculation about the secrets of my intimidating beauty, the author of a post on Guidespot.com manages to get within shouting distance of something resembling journalism. If you can wade through all sorts of other ridiculous slander (bats, babies and secret documents), this small nugget of truthfullness shows up at the very end:
From the beginning of time, his hair has always acted as his brain. It controls his every thought, action, and physical appearance.Some people should stop talking about a symbiosis that they couldn't possibly understand.
Monday, January 5, 2009
Famous Vo-Tech Grads are "Baffled"
New York Magazine seems to think that "top hairdressers" are "baffled" by my rich, lush, chocolate brown amazingness. What. Ever. Have you seen magazine writers lately? They wouldn't know a good hair cut if they were ambushed by the entire cast of Queer Eye. And don't get me started on "top hairdressers." Ooh, you're the best at something that I can get for eight bucks in a strip mall. You've certainly lived up to your potential with that life choice.
Saturday, January 3, 2009
Somebody Knows How Important I Am
This mid-December entry on the Huffington Post jumps right to the awesome part of a New York Times article featuring yours truly. It's not easy to look this amazing all the time, and it's nice that somebody noticed, finally.
Thursday, January 1, 2009
Time to Set The Record Straight
There have been a lot of rumors about my behavior. It's finally time for me to speak out and set the record straight. From my robust follicles to my sleek, slender tips, I am determined to take my place in history, and control my own destiny. Look for more soon.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
